CHARLIE CONDOU - No.443

TANNING HIS HIDE

Gatz77: @Charliecondou so Chuckles, you lathing it up at Pride?

Charliecondou: @Gatz77 no I'll be sunning my ass in the south of France

Gatz77: @Charliecondou And is your ass in particular need of sunning? Lol

CRIME

Charliecondou: RT @PatrickStrud: In the end, the conclusion we must all agree on is that rape needs no prefix, no qualifier, no adjective, nothing. The crime is simply rape.

IN TOWN

IanAFletcher: @Charliecondou oi oi.. U ok? Are u and Cam away or in london?

Charliecondou: @IanAFletcher London town!

IanAFletcher: @Charliecondou oh fab... Tell Cam he's a rubbish mate, who was meant to be in touch ages ago! See u soon hopefully! Xx

bainser: Congrats to @COMMEdesGARCONS you +1 are coming to @Diesel_UK #DieselCoventGarden tonight!! See you there!

Charliecondou: @bainser what's happening at Deisel?

bainser: @Charliecondou small gig instore, wanna come?

Charliecondou: @bainser ah love to but we have the kids tonight x

bainser: @Charliecondou next time!

AN INNUENDO LADEN RETELLING

OF A KNOWN CLASSIC:

THE GAY MACHINE

NOT THE TIME MACHINE

by 

H.G. WELLS

Are you sitting comfortably children? Let's begin...

Once upon a time...

On a  nondescript morning, at an electrical goods warehouse, a government scientist called Harry Wells stopped to get a replacement item for a new converter that the navy was secretly working on.

He flopped his big tube out on the counter for all to see. He explained to the elderly warehouse foreman that he was working for the naval recruitment division on a "top secret" project.

Harry said the navy were under contract by a foreign country to supply converted naval recruits, that had to have "certain" qualities, the kind of recruits that they just couldn't get enough of, in their own country but seemed abundant in the UK. 

The old foreman said, "I think Charlie is your man, he's been around seamen and knows a bit about the workings of big tubes."

"Yes, I am possibly your man," said Charlie, "I have helped a few men with big tubes and I have had daily hands-on experience with seaman."
"But, I don't think I'd be available for a while, as I have my hands full for the moment. I am working on a half erect cam shaft," he said politely as he walked back to his work station.

Harry explained to the elderly foreman that each time they got to a certain point using the converter the big tube would explode. Harry further said that only yesterday they had a young sailor in the converter and the tube blew just near the end of his conversion session and gooey stuff flew all over the young man's face prematurely.

The old foreman said, "Yes, I hate it when things go off prematurely...And in my case, things get sticky all over my foreman skin!"

Harry said the navy was desperate to have help with this project and that they didn't want to break the contract with the foreign country as it was worth millions. 

Harry asked the old man, "So, besides helping with a replacement part, do you have an employee who might be able to assist us, at the naval academy, in making sure the tubes don't blow prematurely?"

The foreman insisted, "Charlie is our only man but he's not interested, as he's had a lot of bad experiences handling sailors. You heard him! He's got his hands full with cam shafts, anyway!" 

Harry said, "How do I convince him to help us then?" 

The old man said, "See him after work, you might be able to sweet talk him or persuade him."

"Take Charlie for a drink at the Meat And Two Veg," the old man suggested, "It's Charlie's favourite."

So, Harry waited nonchalantly outside the warehouse until closing time and followed Charlie and his workmates.

Just as the drizzly rain began to fall harder, Charlie reached the front passage of the Meat And Two Veg. Luckily for Harry, Charlie was already going there. Harry, who was close on Charlie's behind, followed him and slid silently into the big dark opening.

Charlie looked across the bar and asked for a large brown one.

"I'll give you a large brown one," said Harry.

Harry stealthily moved to be beside Charlie.

Harry said to Charlie, "If you'd like to accompany me to a quieter part of the pub, we could have a private moment."

"So are you interested," asked Harry?

"Yes, very interested," Charlie drooled!

After fourteen pints, a packet of crisps and two bags of pork rinds, Harry finally began to win Charlie over.

"You see," Harry said, "The problem is, we have the parts but we need an experienced man like you to keep a firm grasp on things, just to make sure we are optimising the time of our conversions." 

"I see," said Charlie as he gazed into Harry's eyes.

It didn't take too long before Harry convinced Charlie to come and help out.

So, later that evening, when they were a little more sober, the two men went to the naval academy...

First, Harry introduce Charlie to some of the head men.

"This is Mr Fluff and this is Mr Lint. They both have permanent naval positions," explained Harry.

"And....This is our latest volunteer," said Harry, pointing to a young man face-down in a very tightly bound position on a console.

"He wants to be fully converted and is very eager to please," said one of the head men kneeling beside him.

"Yes, Sir! Yes I am," cooed the young man in leather straps.

"Okay," said Charlie, "I'll do my best."

Charlie had a look at the big knob to the side of the converter.

"Your knob seems fine, it's stiff and lubricated." 

"Oh, I see your problem," he said calmly.

Charlie walked over to the big pink mushroom-shaped head and banged it solidly for a few minutes with his steely rod. 

"It's your opening," said Charlie, "It needs stretching. I'll adjust it. I won't be a second."

"Okay, fellas push the plunger"

The other head man pushed the plunger. Deeper and deeper it went.

The converter whirred into action. The young volunteer bit-down tightly on his pillow. Sparks flew in all directions. Even the back passage lit up!

Charlie kept an eye on the conversion time with a large fob watch.
"We want him flamboyant not flambéed," he said in a jocular manner.

"Time's up," shouted Charlie!

The young man's eyes were clear and wide open.

Charlie walked over and asked the volunteer if he was feeling a little queer?

"Yes I am," said the young man!"

"I feel like I could sing all the hit songs from Mama Mia and still have energy to belt out a couple more show tunes," he giggled.

- NEXT DAY -

The young man and his chaperone went to visit the embassy of the foreign country, so that their naval officers could inspect their converted "goods."

On arrival they met with Balzac, Dikitta and Proda - three high-ranking officers who were very pleased to see them.

The three men were more than impressed with what they saw!

"Would you like this one Dikitta," asked Balzac?

"Do you really mean it," gasped Dikitta?

"I do," said Balzac firmly, "As long as treat him well."

"Thank you sir! Yes, I will," promised Dikitta.

"Good, because after you torpedoed the last one, he still can't walk straight!"

Dikitta could hardly wait, he rushed forward...

"Hello big boy, my name is Dikitta."

There was an awkward pause and finally the young man put out his hand...

"I see you are well pleased to see me," laughed the young man.

"My name is Dom - in - eeek," he exclaimed in a startled manner!
"Erm, oops, sorry for that," Dikitta spluttered...
"In all my excitement...I thought I was shaking your hand!"

- END CREDITS ROLL -

Apologies:

The above pictures come from the 2004 mini-series "THE INFINITE WORLDS OF H.G. WELLS" in which Charlie Condou played Sam. If anyone connected to the show is insulted or offended by my reworking, then my job here is done!