CHARLIE CONDOU - No.427

NOT CHICKEN TONIGHT

jameswharton: Can't wait for Thom's Fajita's tonight!! #yummy 

Charliecondou: @jameswharton is that what you call it

jameswharton: @Charliecondou you saw thru our secret code!!

SAW YA

mainstream_mofo: @Charliecondou i saw you in Manchester today :)

Charliecondou: @mainstream_mofo you should have said hi 

 

mainstream_mofo: @Charliecondou i didn't want to bother you :)

MAKING LIGHT OF THE OLYMPICS

Charliecondou: John Light is looking very handsome on Holby

JaneHillNews: @Charliecondou goodness my dear... are you one of the few people in the UK not watching the games?! x

Charliecondou: @JaneHillNews he's my mate, but I'm afraid we've turned over now

JaneHillNews: @Charliecondou ha, okay, you're let off! i am addicted.

Charliecondou: @JaneHillNews so are we!!

SYNCHRO FOR MEN

realsamia: @Charliecondou reckons dressage shouldn't be an Olympic sport.. Kate Ford and Barbara Knox have just given him a dressing down! Hehe!! X

mrtobysawyer: @realsamia I'm with @charliecondou #pointlesssynchronisedswimmingforhorses

mrtobysawyer: @realsamia @charliecondou While we're on the subject, why no boys in synchro? Discuss. X

Confidential_CC: Not a man's sport have you heard the music they use???  @mrtobysawyer @realsamia @charliecondou

I’D RATHER JACK

JOJEHARVEY: I've deleted my Reynolds girls tweets as someone just told me he heard one of them is no longer with us :-(

Charliecondou: @JOJEHARVEY I call @Jennyfremma and @RupertHill the Reynolds girls. I don't know why

Jennyfremma: @Charliecondou @jojeharvey @ruperthill because we'd rather jack than fleetwood mac, obvs x

PIES IN DISGUISE

AN INNUENDO LADEN RETELLING 

OF AN OLD EPISODE OF 

PIE IN THE SKY

"THE MYSTERY OF PIKEY"

A.K.A.

"A TOOL AND HIS MUMMY"

Are you sitting comfortably children?
Let's begin...

Once upon a time 
There was a poor but honest motorcycle gypsy who brought disgrace upon his family because he refused to steal like the rest of them...

One night while the lad was riding his motorbike home, a local crooked policeman tried very had to convince the young lad that his family would be more than pleased if he took to a life of crime. The young lad said there was only one thing holding him back...

and when the policeman saw the size of the gypsy lad's tool, his latent curiosity was piqued!

 The lad said the reason he was a hopeless thief was because his tool was unnaturally big and often slowed him down and it was more of a burden than something to be proud of...
"Mum says it's genetic!"

The gypsy lad explained that his girlfriend was interested in him only until he showed her his tool...

and then when she realised how big, hard and unwieldy it was, she dumped him!

The girlfriend's brother, who had observed the blossoming romance, was more than impressed with the lad's equipment and decided he could train the young man to use his natural endowments to lead a life of crime, just like the lad's family wanted.

The brother told the gypsy lad to meet him the next day at the old Smuggler's Inn alongside the canal where he would introduce the lad to the local gang who might be able to get him involved in something fishy!

Next morning, the lad went for an uncomfortably long motorbike ride beside the canal trying to avoid squashing his tool while traversing the bumpy, pothole-filled pavement.

He pulled-up close to a local fisherman. After asking for directions, the lad asked to see the fisherman's tackle and commented on how massive his pole was and tried to explain about his own issues. 

The fisherman politely told the gypsy boy he wasn't interested in the lad's big tool but pointed down the way to an old inn where numerous blokes were constantly looking for men with big tools and large scaly packages.

On arrival at the inn, the lad couldn't believe his luck! Within seconds, a man offered to show him a big impressive package right there and then - at the bar!. 

The young lad took a firm grasp of the man's package and emptied its white fleshy contents for all to witness...

Holy mackerel it was a whopper!

The gypsy lad was amazed at the size of the man's cod piece!

Just as the gypsy lad and the man with the big cod piece seemed to be getting along, there was an almighty roar for help from someone near the canal.

The gypsy lad and the other men ran out to look along the canal. They spotted the local fisherman who had caught a motorcycle tyre on his fishing line. He was struggling to release it!

 The gypsy lad rushed to offer assistance.

Before you could say A over T, the weight of the gypsy lad's concealed tool was far too great and he toppled forward taking the fisherman into the canal with him.

The fisherman decided the only course of action was to reach for the gypsy lad's massive box and on reaching it, release its contents into the water...it was a master stroke!

Watching on was Major Hardon-Fluffy, a local restaurateur, he congratulated the fisherman for manhandling the gypsy lad's equipment.
"It's been ages since I've handled one that big myself," he gasped!

 Major Hardon-Fluffy invited the two wet men home to his place which was just on the other side of the canal. Major Hardon-Fluffy had to take the boys down the yellow-brick towpath and over the rainbow bridge to his establishment.

 The gypsy lad and the fisherman were a little reticent on arrival at Major Hardon-Fluffy's restaurant but eventually stripped-off at the promise of dry clothes and a 'long black' one...mmm.

It was a sobering moment when Major Hardon-Fluffy suggested that the boys should stay and work for him as he had a large and gaping hole to fill. The shivering fisherman declined politely and said he already had a steady stream of income.

After a few warm mouthfuls of 'long black' the gypsy lad looked up. He realised he was looking into the eyes of the man from the bar, that had shown him the massive cod piece. The man was obviously a cook in the employ of Major Hardon-Fluffy.
"He's used to handling massive cods," said the gypsy lad,
"I should feel at home here," he continued...
So the lad agreed it was time he settled down into a trade that was almost as good as being a thief - a restaurateur!

Major Hardon-Fluffy organises a background check on the gypsy lad [and his family] using Julian Assange's internet security agency and gets clerarance to offer the lad an under-manager job and eventually makes moves to adopt the fatherless gypsy boy.

The story has a twist... 

The lad goes to the local courthouse to be adopted by Major Hardon-Fluffy but on arrival his old friend the policeman mysteriously shows up. The lad's mum and the policeman reveal that the policeman, is in fact, the biological father of the lad...
In an effort to convince the lad that he is his father, the policeman whips out his tool of the trade - a truncheon!
"Whoa! It's big, stiff and hard," laughs the lad,
"You're my dad for sure!!!"
The policeman congratulates the lad on his new 'under' position and is very happy that his son has been adopted by an experienced older man.
"Son, it's not every day you get a Major Hardon-Fluffy opening to fill."

Happy ever after...

The gypsy lad rises to the top of his profession by working tirelessly and taking advantage of his adoptive daddy's huge opening and by constantly keeping  his hand in.
The lad's mum is finally happy as she gets the career criminal son she always wanted.

- - - - - - THE END - - - - - -

Apologies:
The above pictures come from a 1995 episode of "PIE IN THE SKY" in which Charlie Condou played Karl "Pikey" Elves. If anyone connected to the show is insulted or offended by my reworking, then my job here is done!