CHARLIE CONDOU CONFIDENTIAL: CHARLIE CONDOU

CHARLIE CONDOU

STARS IN

"THE BOYS CLUB"

AN EPISODE

URBAN GOTHIC

DEAR READER, HERE IS A DARK AND MYSTERIOUS RETELLING THAT MAY NOT BE THE EXACT TRUTH
[with apologies to the cast & crew]

* If anyone is offended by my retelling then my job here is done *

Lenny is a tough guy in search of easy money.
He and his hoodlum mates are looking for a quick score.

Lenny hears that there is money in truffles and decides to get his hands on a truffle baron to extort money.

Lenny: Where are the truffles?

Truffle baron: I wouldn't tell you...even if you torture me!

Young hood: Tell us where the truffles are, or we'll play this "Right Said Fred" megamix!

Truffle baron: I won't tell...even if you blast me!
Lenny: OK fellas, looks like we'll have to blast him!

Lenny walks away as the music is turned up and the disco lights begin to flash and spin.

Lenny and one of the hoods come back the next day to pick up the pieces after the truffle baron has been blasted.

The hood discovers the baron's dismembered hand on the floor with a gold ring still attached.

Lenny clobbers the hood over the head with a baseball bat because he'd like to pawn the gold ring at Cash Converters, since he didn't get the truffle payoff.

When removing the ring, Lenny discovers an address written on the baron's hand and thinks this is where the truffles must be hidden.

He puts on the ring so as not to lose it!
LITTLE DOES HE KNOW WHAT'S IN STORE!

Lenny discovers next to the body of the dismembered truffle baron there is a trendy suit in his size.
He puts it on and for a moment feels like a truffle baron himself.

Lenny searches down an ally nearby looking for the address written on the hand.
He hears the sound of enticing music.

He walks and walks down to the end of a dark passage.
Lenny has been in many dark passages before but this one gives him an odd feeling.

There is a velvet curtain at the very end.
He cautiously looks through the curtains of a place signposted: "The Gilded Truffle."

Lenny introduces himself, and so too does Sylvain the doorman, who shows him through.

Lenny walks nervously across the floor of this very swanky club.
He reaches the bar and talks to a fatherly bartender named Pierre.
Pierre mistakes Lenny for a genuine truffle baron because the gold ring is a symbol known only by those dealing in truffles.

Pierre tells Lenny that out the back in a special dining room is where the other truffle dealers are waiting.

In the room, Lenny finds a motley gathering of well-dressed truffle barons who are inspecting their latest arrivals.
They tell Lenny that to get the money for their newest shipment of truffles he'd have to perform surgery on an unwilling truffle mule and insert the truffles into his chest cavity.

Lenny is a dab hand at D.I.Y. and performs the operation as quickly as possible.

But when nearing the end of the operation the truffle mule sadly haemorrhages.

Blood splatters across Lenny's face.
This is all getting too much for him!

Lenny drops his big tool on the floor and staggers back to the other room and informs the barons that their mule has died.

The other men are aghast that Lenny has screwed-up so they insist that he becomes the mule instead.
One of the men, called Cameron, is asked to take Lenny down to the basement and deal with the situation.

Lenny: You can't make me!

Before Lenny knows what is happening, Cameron has him tied to a chair.

Cameron slowly inserts truffles into all of Lenny's body cavities.

Lenny's got them stuffed everywhere, even his bleeding ears.

The pain is excruciating.
Lenny is fit to burst!

Lenny: Stop this Cameron!
I'm not really a truffle baron.
I'm a fake!

But it's too late.
Before Lenny knows it, Cameron writes an address on his hand...

..then brings down a shovel sideways to snap Lenny's hand off!

Blood squirts across the floor.

Lenny writhes in agony.

The pain is unbearable!

Cameron shows Lenny his severed hand.
Cameron: You can have your hand back when you return with the money for our truffles.

But just as Cameron starts to untie Lenny's ropes a wild boar breaks into the room and begins snuffling all over Lenny looking for the hidden truffles.

Lenny looks down in horror as the boar snuffles into his groin.

The boar has found what it wants and snaps into Lenny's crotch with unbearable force.

The men in the room next door can hear the screams.
Our plan is working they mutter in agreement.

The other truffle barons ask Cameron if Lenny has passed the pig rooting test?
Cameron: Lenny will be fine...
I have a feeling it's not the first time that Lenny's had his truffles harvested!

Cameron and the men laugh.
Cameron produces a photo of Lenny recoiling in horror.
The men crowd around as Cameron hangs Lenny's picture on a wall with some others.

As this episode closes we see that Lenny is not the first boy to have befallen their evil ways.
In fact, there are hundreds of other boys that have come to this club and had their truffles chewed on by old pigs.
Welcome to
THE BOYS CLUB