ALL STAR
FAMILY UNFORTUNATES
STARRING
THE CONDOU FAMILY
STARRING
THE CONDOU FAMILY
A NOT-SO-ACCURATE RETELLING
OF AN EPISODE OF
ALL STAR FAMILY FORTUNES
FOR THOSE WHO MAY HAVE MISSED IT ON THE TELLY
Are you sitting comfortably children?
Let's begin...
Once upon a time
Let's begin...
Once upon a time
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The show opens.
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Charlie Condou introduces his family to Vermin the affable host, "This is cousin Jenny, cousin Sam, my mum Kathy and my partner in crime, Cameron."
Vermin is cordial to the ladies and very dismissive of poor Cameron.
It's obvious that Vermin can't keep his eyes off Charlie.
Vermin asks the Condous to give the people at home a quick overview of Charlie's interests, hobbies and a little background information on his acting career.
It's summed up in a few video clips which were shot at Charlie and Cameron's house.
It's summed up in a few video clips which were shot at Charlie and Cameron's house.
Firstly, we meet Charlie's family in the back garden where they proudly show us their duel skills of being midwives and petty thieves.
Cameron carries a naked baby doll, as the family execute a Bob Fosse inspired midwifery dance routine, humming the theme from Corrie, while simultaneously supporting a stolen street sign they nicked from the set of Corrie.
At one point Cameron does a spectacular tap dancing sequence to a medley of hits from "A Chorus Line."
It's all a bit cerebral but acted with conviction!
As a result, we learn that Charlie's agent has convinced them to work it into an act for next year's "Britain's Got Talent." He assures them they will be a hit in New Zealand.
At one point Cameron does a spectacular tap dancing sequence to a medley of hits from "A Chorus Line."
It's all a bit cerebral but acted with conviction!
As a result, we learn that Charlie's agent has convinced them to work it into an act for next year's "Britain's Got Talent." He assures them they will be a hit in New Zealand.
Cameron shows us his off-the-shoulder DILF outfit that he wore to the gym on the day Charlie spotted him and asked him out for their first date.
Charlie mistakenly thought Cameron was straight!
*wink*
*wink*
We learn that Charlie has a serious phobia of people who dress as Frenchmen.
And finally, the Condous brandish their fists, jumping and shouting like banshees on crack, in an effort to scare the daylights out of the Lane family - their gobsmacked opponents!
The other team have a similar video package but for the purpose of this report I don't want to overly burden you with information on Paula Lane:
Born.
Went to school.
Works on Corrie.
Tweets a lot - even more than Charlie!
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The competition begins.
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Vermin asks the first question which is about Batman.
Charlie is in with a chance here as Batman IS a gay icon and Charlie has been known to enjoy wearing his undies on the outside his trousers.
Sadly, Paula beats him to the buzzer and her team play the first round.
Paula's team crash and burn, unable to think of answers and the Condous have a chance to steal.
Note: In the first part of this report we have already learnt that the Condous are very good at stealing!
Sadly, Paula beats him to the buzzer and her team play the first round.
Paula's team crash and burn, unable to think of answers and the Condous have a chance to steal.
Note: In the first part of this report we have already learnt that the Condous are very good at stealing!
Cameron, besides having impeccable taste in gym clothes, surprises everyone with his Mastermind-like knowledge of the Batarang.
Cameron conducts a lengthy monologue on its colour, design, uses and other useful statistics including how many Batman episodes were made in which the Batarang appeared.
Cameron conducts a lengthy monologue on its colour, design, uses and other useful statistics including how many Batman episodes were made in which the Batarang appeared.
Sadly, after all that imparting of knowledge, it's not an answer!
But on the plus side, millions of non-Batman fans are now one more trivia answer closer to a major win on Eggheads or Millionaire!
But on the plus side, millions of non-Batman fans are now one more trivia answer closer to a major win on Eggheads or Millionaire!
Cameron was a little slow off the mark to hit the buzzer with the next question...
He was still sulking from the Batarang incident.
Vermin walks over to the Condou bench and goes completely week at the knees at being so close to Charlie.
Next up it's Big K a.k.a. Mama Condou.
Her first answer soon has the show's censors scrambling for the "bleep button."
I can't repeat what she says - not here on a G-rated blog!
I can't repeat what she says - not here on a G-rated blog!
Vermin approaches the Condou bench and flirts outrageously again with Charlie.
The Lane family win the next round and Vermin gets to do his best joke of the season which is a play on the words roar / raw - it was a thigh slapper!
No, really!
He slapped his own thigh!
Things suddenly go bad for the Lane family as Paula's grandma Margaret makes a costly mistake and the Condous get a chance to steal the round.
Note: The Condous are very good at stealing!
We are down to the last question and it's neck and neck.
Well, except for Vermin whose neck is 3 foot higher than the others.
The Condous win the first half of the show.
Yay!
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There is a commercial break.
There is a commercial break.
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The Lane family are taken away at this point to a dungeon to be retrained as contestants on ITV's revamped quiz show "Shafted."
Let's hope they do better on that show!
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The second half of the competition begins.
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The second half of the competition begins.
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Unaware of all the goings on, Charlie is hiding from Vermin in a locked soundproof room.
We see him briefly, he's humming the second verse of "I Am Woman" while shimmying his jazz hands in a tribute to Liza Minnelli.
We see him briefly, he's humming the second verse of "I Am Woman" while shimmying his jazz hands in a tribute to Liza Minnelli.
Vermin is now beginning to get too overly familiar with Charlie.
Charlie spends a great deal of time in the second-half removing Vermin's roving hands from various parts of his body.
Eventually, Charlie has enough!
He starts to be more assertive!
"Vermin, stop touching me! Can we get on with the game please?"
Vermin sadly agrees as Charlie stands his distance.
Vermin sadly agrees as Charlie stands his distance.
But before the next answer is revealed...
Vermin has his hands all over Charlie, once again!
Vermin has his hands all over Charlie, once again!
Then, Vermin leans down and suggestively whispers in Charlie's ear, "Hun, what kind of nuts do you like?"
OMG!
Mortified, Charlie continues...
It's intense television for the audience and Charlie alike.
Charlie says, "Cashew!"
Vermin passes him a handkerchief
and at this point a series of lights, bells and buzzers are set off.
The relief on Charlie's face says it all!
"Yes! Free! Free at last!"
Charlie continues whooping it up as Vermin has finally removed his grubby paws!
Vermin shouts, "NOOOOOO!"
Next, Charlie is given ten thousand pounds.
It's not the first time the show's producers have had to payout on Vermin's indiscretions!
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END CREDITS ROLL
Next, Charlie is given ten thousand pounds.
It's not the first time the show's producers have had to payout on Vermin's indiscretions!
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END CREDITS ROLL
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* This is a completely true and accurate report on the show*
If anyone is offended then my job here is done!
If anyone is offended then my job here is done!
Tom x
Wendy_Wason: @Charliecondou I am watching Family Fortunes. Can't believe they did that to Cam!
Eamonn_Forde: @Wendy_Wason @Charliecondou *amphibian face*
Charliecondou: @Eamonn_Forde @Wendy_Wason he LOVED it
Wendy_Wason: @Charliecondou @Eamonn_Forde your mum is having the BEST time!
Wendy_Wason: @Charliecondou @Eamonn_Forde I didn't know they doled out free holidays on it. I'll come on next time x
ALL STAR FAMILY FORTUNES
Wendy_Wason: @Charliecondou I am watching Family Fortunes. Can't believe they did that to Cam!
Eamonn_Forde: @Wendy_Wason @Charliecondou *amphibian face*
Charliecondou: @Eamonn_Forde @Wendy_Wason he LOVED it
Wendy_Wason: @Charliecondou @Eamonn_Forde your mum is having the BEST time!
Wendy_Wason: @Charliecondou @Eamonn_Forde I didn't know they doled out free holidays on it. I'll come on next time x
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